Interviewer: Can you do anything that other people can’t?
Interviewee: I can read my handwriting!
How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Employer: “We need someone responsible for the job.”
Job applicant: “Sir, your search ends here! In my previous job, whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.”
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
Then boss says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
Boss: “How can we keep the office clean?”
Me: “By staying at home.”
Employee: “I bet you $6,000 i can piss in your cup 30 meters away.”
Boss: “OK I would like to see you try.”
Employee: As he moves on pissing all over the floor loosing $6,000 not caring.
Boss: “Ha you just lost $6,000.”
Secretary: “God dammit!”
Boss: “Whats wrong?”
Secretary: “He bet me $200,000 he could piss allover your floor and you would be happy about it!”
HR manager: “Just go to hell!”
Me: “So, should I stay or leave? I’m confused.”
Boss: Do you believe in life after death?
Employee: No, because there is no proof of it.
Boss: Well there is now!
Boss: When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle’s funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.
While doing an interview, the employer asked the candidate: So, how long did you work your last job?
Candidate: 30 years Employer: Oh, you look young. How old are you?
Candidate: 20 years old.
The employer was surprised and asked the candidate how she worked 30 years and has only been living for 20 years??
Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer.
Doctor Watson says, “I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.”
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, “I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.”
Doctor Ahn says, “I prefer lawyers.They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.”
Santa se interview mein pucha gaya: Agar 2 minute ke liye aapko PM bana diya jaye toh aap kya karenge ??
Santa: Hum Maggi noodles banayenge
Intrviwer: Why ??
Santa: 2 Minute mein toh sirf Maggi ban sakta hai
Intrvwer: Agar 5 saal ke liye bana diya jaye ??
Santa: Hum 5 saal ke liye PM nahi banenge
Intrvwer: Why ??
Santa: Itni Maggi kaun khayega ??
A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says “I’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!”
When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”
Boss: Kahan gaye the ?
Employee: Baal katwane
Boss: Office hours mein?
Employee: Baal badhe bhi to office hours mein hee hai
Boss: Ghar mein bhi to badhte hain
Employee: To poore thode hee katwaye hai
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
I love pressing F5. It is so refreshing.
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. “Wow,” I said. “That’s an amazing car.” He replied, “If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year.
Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.
My resumé is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
I’m a walking economy, you know’
‘My hairline is in recession, my stomach is always in inflation, and these two together bring me into a deep depression’.
Employee: Boss, I’ve got married.
Can I get a pay rise?
Boss: We do not compensate for the accidents that happen outside of the work place.
Angry Boss: Why are you late for office today?
Employee: Sir my BMW did not come today!
Boss(Shockingly): You come to office on a BMW?
Employee: No Sir
BMW matlab Bartan Maanjne Wali!
Employe: Sir I have not linked my account to Aadhar but I still got gas subsidy
HR Department: That’s not the gas subsidy.
That’s your increment!!
My boss bold me to have a good day… So I went home!
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means? Employee: That it’s only Wednesday!
Boss: I know it’s Saturday but I Need you at Work.
Employee: OK Boss…! but there is lots of Traffic , I am Going to be late.
Boss: OK, but how long will it take you to get here? Any idea.
Interviewer: If the earth rotates 30 times faster. What will happen?
Candidate: We will get our salary everyday.
Employee: Hello Boss! I will be unable to come to work tomorrow, due to heavy rains, I live on island now.
Boss : In your job application u mentioned swimming as your hobby. See you at work 7 am.
During a job Interview
Manger: What’s the highest level of education you obtained?
Manager: Great! So that means you have a Doctor degree…
Candidate: Well, No….. That means Passed High school with Difficulties(P.H.D)
Interviewer: Just imagine you are on the 8th floor, It caught fire, How will you escape?
Candidate: It’s very simple, I will stop my imagination…..
Boss: Where do you see the company after 3 Quarters?
Sales Employee: After 3 Quarters, I don’t care about company growth, I just do “Nagin Dance”
Boss: Where Were you Born?
Sardar: Which Part?
Sardar: What which Part? Whole Body was Born in India.
Angry boss: Have you seen an owl?
Employee: (looking down) No sir.
Boss: Don’t look down. Look at me.
Boss: I’ve not seen you do work ever!
Employee: I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Pappu: My internet is not working properly…
Officer: Ok, Double click on “My computer”
Pappu: I can’t see ur computer..
Officer:No no.. click on “My computer” on ur computer..
Pappu: How can I click on ur computer from my computer?..
Officer: listen.. There is an icon labelled “My Computer” on ur computer.. Ok. double click on it..
Pappu: what the hell, what is your computer doing on my computer..???
Officer:Double click on ur computer..
Pappu: On which Icon I’ve to click..
Pappu:…Oh u Idiot…… Tell me where is ur office…I’ll come there and click on ur “Computer.
Interviewer: Why did you quit your last job?
Interviewer: What was it?
Interviewee: My boss was sick of me.
Interviewer: Guess the minimum area with maximum decoration?
Interviewee: Women’s face.
I got a job at a paperless office.Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….My boss asked “what companies? “Gas, water and electricity company.
Hey Boss, why did the employee get fired from the calendar factory? They took a day off.
What is the best way to criticize your boss?Very quietly, so he cannot hear you.
My boss said I was going to see a big increase on my Payslip this month…… He increased the font size.
Interviewer: What did you like best about your last job?
Me: Sometimes people had birthdays and there was free cake.
Boss: What are your future plans? Me: lunch Boss: I meant long term plans Me: What, like dinner?
I went for an interview for an office job today. The interviewer told me I’d start on $2,000 a month and then after 6 months I’d be on $2,500 a month.
I told them I’d start in 6 months.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday. My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.
My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke.So I put my paycheck as the first slide.
My boss calls me “The computer” Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Employee : Hello boss , mujhe terrorist ne pakad liya hai, dono hath kaat diye hai, kidney nikal di hai.
Boss : Dehkh le…. ho sake to aaja aaj audit hai.